Screen trap

Posted: November 21, 2024 in Parenting Resources

As a mother of a high school freshman, I’m no stranger to the allure of screens. The late night meetup of FaceTime calls, the endless scroll of social media, and the immersive worlds of gaming --- all of these have become the new "norm" for many teens. What frustrates me is not just my son’s screen habits (although he does not and will not have social media access until his senior year of high school) but the seeming indifference of other parents. As long as grades are good, the prevailing attitude seems to be: why worry?

But productivity does not equal a healthy, balanced human being. Our American culture has glorified busyness to the point where rest feels like a luxury --- one that even children are not learning to value. Through the lens of Ayurveda, this obsession aligns with an excess of rajas --- an energy state characterized by restlessness, hyperactivity, and a constant need for stimulation. This imbalance can manifest in ways that harm not only physical health but emotional well-being and resilience.

It’s time for a cultural shift in how we think about screens and their role in our children’s lives.

The science of screen time

Numerous studies have highlighted the dangers of excessive screen use, especially for children and teenagers. Prolonged screen exposure has been linked to:

Sleep Disruption: Blue light emitted by screens interferes with melatonin production, delaying sleep onset and reducing sleep quality. A 2021 study published in Sleep Health revealed that adolescents who used screens in the hour before bed slept fewer hours and experienced higher rates of insomnia.
Mental Health Concerns: Excessive social media use correlates with increased rates of anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. According to a 2019 study in JAMA Pediatrics, teens who spent more than three hours per day on social media were twice as likely to report symptoms of mental health disorders, like loneliness and isolation.
Attention and Focus Issues: The constant pings and notifications prime young minds for distraction, reducing their ability to focus on single tasks for extended periods.

Despite this awareness, many parents still permit late-night screen usage, rationalizing it as a harmless social outlet or a reward for academic performance. But what message are we sending when we disregard the science in favor of convenience?

Ayurveda and the American obsession with productivity

Ayurveda, the ancient Indian system of holistic health, teaches that a balanced flow in life is key to well-being and preventing dis-ease. It identifies three primary energies, or gunas, that influence our mind and body:

Sattva (balance, clarity, harmony)
Rajas (activity, restlessness, stimulation)
Tamas (inertia, lethargy, ignorance, stagnation)

In my last appointment with my Ayurvedic physician we were addressing the progress I’ve made in my personal life to embrace more “down time” as it has opened doors for me to focus my attention on things I’ve unintentionally avoided, and truly makes productivity more efficient when I work. It’s counterintuitive to slow-down to speed-up, but I can testify that it works!

She shared with gentle sweetness that American women especially, (so think of your tween/teen daughters) are “blessed” with an excess of rajas in our culture. It is often between our mid40’s - 60’s that her female patients finally address the damage excess rajas has created in her physical and mental states. The habits our teens have now will shape their health and mindset for decades.

Our fast-paced, achievement-driven society thrives on rajas. From the constant stimulation of social media to the pressure to excel academically, we’ve conditioned our children to exist in a perpetual state of overdrive. This imbalance contributes to:

Restlessness and burnout: Teens conditioned by rajas struggle to relax, even when rest is desperately needed.

(When you relax yourself --- and then someone walks into the room - do you quickly sit up or stand up to make it look like you're busy? This may be because you were not allowed to rest as a child. You had to be busy to earn rest or actually be injured or ill.)

Disconnection from the body: Screen use keeps children "in their heads," preventing them from cultivating mindfulness or somatic (body/nervous system) awareness.

(Think about how well or not-so-well you are connected with your own body. When you went to your first yoga class did you have to watch the teacher the whole time or could you listen and focus on how your body was moving in relationship to the instruction?)

Early-onset stress disorders: According to Ayurveda, prolonged rajas can push the mind into tamas, leading to mental fog, apathy, and even depression.

(Think of the qualities of a postpartum mom who does not receive proper rest and nourishing meals -- she pushes through the healing phase then wonders why she can't think clearly, puts the egg carton in the cupboard, or is so overwhelmed with life that she has a hard time leaving her home... leading to depression.)

The Ayurvedic principle of dinacharya (daily routine) emphasizes the importance of rhythms --- waking with the sun, eating at regular times every day, going to sleep by 10pm, and creating space for rest and reflection.

Routines create stability. Some more ideas could be taking a family walk, having a screen-free family day or at least a dinner, and I’m going to stress again - a consistent bedtime for everyone.

A call to action for parents

The hardest part of setting boundaries

Recently, I was talking with another mom who asked me how I manage to keep my kids off excessive screen time and off all social media platforms. “I don’t know how you do it,” she said. My reply was simple: I’m okay with my kids not liking me. I’m okay with them being upset that I’m creating healthy habits for their lives.

Our kids began their phone privileges with a Troomi. Not one of their friends had the same phone. As a parent I love Troomi. It’s easy to control their settings, like who can or cannot call or text them.

My kids, of course, felt left out.

Our daughter will have a Troomi until 9th grade, like her big brother. As far as she’s concerned she is “the only girl” in her grade who doesn’t have an iPhone. My heart goes out to her daily --- as she consistently reminds me of how she isn’t able to FaceTime except when she can go on her iPad at home… on weekends.

Parenting isn’t a popularity contest, and sometimes, doing what’s best for our children means making decisions they won’t understand or appreciate in the moment. Establishing boundaries around screen time isn’t about being the "bad guy" --- it’s about giving our kids the tools to thrive in the long run.

As parents, we’re uniquely positioned to model healthy habits and instill values that will carry our children into adulthood. If we don’t, who will?

And please don't say you’re waiting for “the school" to make the decision for you.

We wouldn’t let our kids stay up all night eating candy simply because their grades are good. Why should screen use be any different? Avoiding difficult conversations about limits now does a disservice to our children, leaving them ill-prepared to regulate their emotions, and manage their health and time as adults.

Here are some steps we can take:

Model healthy boundaries: Turn off your own devices an hour before bed and prioritize face-to-face interactions.
Set clear limits: Establish a household rule that screens are turned off by a certain time every night, including weekends.
Educate your teens: Share the science with them. Help them understand how screens impact their sleep, mood, and focus. (If you've already let them on Instagram - make sure you are all following: @bescreenstrong and @waituntil8th, and know it's not too late to pause social media access.)
Create alternatives: Encourage non-screen activities that promote relaxation and creativity, like journaling, reading, or yoga. Consider hanging out with friends in-person without screens.
Build community support: Talk to other parents and advocate for collective boundaries, like agreeing to end calls and gaming at a reasonable hour.

Parenting teens in the digital age is challenging, but it’s also an opportunity to instill lifelong values of balance and mindfulness. By addressing screen time through science, Ayurveda, and communal effort, we can help our children cultivate healthier relationships with technology --- and with themselves.

And if you feel like you will benefit from creating a healthier relationship with your phone or work devices --- you can transparently make change with your children. This isn’t a “do as I say; not as I do” parenting trick. Be authentic in your own journey of healthier digital boundaries. It can be a bonding experience.

Your modeled behavior is everything.

Think back to how your parents modeled rest.

Did they only rest when ill or injured? When burned out from the week?

Or did they have space in the day to listen to your stories? To tend to the family with patience? Did they create friendships and relationships you dream of having one day, too?

By modeling healthy boundaries, we not only change our habits but also show our kids that it’s okay to rest, reflect, and prioritize relationships over productivity.

Together, we can shift the narrative from rajas-driven restlessness to sattvic harmony, creating a healthier future for the next generation that doesn’t need to heal or repair as much as our generation does.

Feel ready, but unsure where to start making changes?

If you're a Metro Detroit local mom who's ready for a major reset - I warmly invite you to my Intentional Living Collective where you will receive the supportive care and necessary tips and tools to embrace healthier boundaries and rest. I've partnered with parenting coach, Mikki Gardner, for our second cohort starting February 2025. Join a group of local women who are also dedicated to their own self-growth journey. Enrollment is open, and early bird discount closes 12.31.24.